Life is a mystery.
It presents to us lessons which humble us into the peaceful state of surrender and acceptance. But the path unfolding can leave us in awe, as every time we think we’ve understood, we’ve “got there”, something comes along to dismantle our certainties.
At least that’s how it’s been for me. Anyone who knows me knows I am stubborn, have determined grit and can dig my heels down, certainly qualities which hold benefits for hardships life can present us, but the rigidity which these qualities all possess never quite manages to stick. Thank God. Not once you awaken the heart - or should I say once your heart awakens?
The spiritual path is a “journey… a twisted road… for our learning… though we did not know”. Try as we might, we can pin-point key moments in our life when we entered certain stages of our own awakening, but the more I learn the more I realise our linear perception of time is so limiting and perhaps it is more the case of all the stages of awakening morphing into another, sometimes numerous phases all happening at once. Sometimes I feel it is as if some parts of our being are awakening whereas other parts are still fully in a sweet slumber, and like a Swiss cheese, we each find ourselves in our own very unique state of Enlightenment at any given time.
“The half-unfolded flower is not an imperfect flower that needs defense. On the contrary, its blossoming is proceeding with precise perfection according to the laws of the universe. Likewise, each and every individual on the planet is unfolding, growing, learning, and reflecting that same perfection.”
- Letting Go, The Pathway of Surrender, David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.
So what of music in all of this?
I believe it’s fundamental and am realising how fundamental a role it does indeed play in life and Awakening.
First, let’s look at the observed phases of Spiritual Awakening:
Wake up call! - Typically it is said there are two main ways this happening, either from chaos, an external trigger causing us pain and almost shocking us into awakeness; or spontaneously, without there being a conscious specific reason we can tell, one day we just awake. We start asking ourselves deep existential questions and it can feel like we’re seeing things in life for the first time.
Bliss - This second phase has us feeling alive and deeply connected to God, at one with source, nature, people and we start to experience feelings of ecstasy and joy as our heart awakens. Synchronicities may start to come into our consciousness more and we start to really notice them. We become more intuitive and may even discover spiritual gifts and talents, which have lain patiently dormant.
The Dark Night - The hardest part without a doubt is when our soul brings up what needs to be healed in this lifetime, including difficult ancestral trauma. In society we call this depression, nervous breakdowns, and try to quell the purge with medication and CBT. Only now am I realising how misguided we have been in the mainstream and the jewels which lie within this difficult, tumultuous time. It can feel as if we’re dying, and in fact it is indeed the death of the old Self and its karma. Of course, having a loving community around us who can help, support and guide us through this is elemental.
The Void - Once re-emerged from the depths of darkness we may find ourselves in No Man’s Land, in between our old and new life, energy system and Self. We can feel lost, anxious and like we don’t know who we are anymore. I remember reading a beautiful book by Italian author Antonio Tabucchi called “Sostiene Pereira”, set in Lisbon after the Second World War. In it, Pereira the main character, suffers the loss of his wife. He describes our inner world as the Confederation of the Souls and how when you go through a major life crisis, it shakes up this confederation and you may feel like you no longer know who you are, until things settle and the new Hegemonic I emerges to determine our new Self. It’s not too dissimilar I feel. This Void can be likened to a Cocoon. We may feel like doors are closing and you no longer can see the universal guiding signs you had been sensing since your awakening, but it is a call to retreat within and heal. Self-care and spiritual practices are key here. Letting things be and not forcing are also important. This Great Rest is like a hibernation where our energy system can restabilize and regain strength after the tiring Dark Night, ready for the next stage.
Groundedness - Things start to settle. The growth towards the sky of the initial phases, pulling us up, needed for us to also grow roots and ground ourselves. You grow up emotionally and become more spiritually aware. A form of Re-integration we bring our lessons into our every day life, finding we no longer need to run away from denser energy as we stand in our loving power. We become more magnetic, powerful manifesters and the feelings of connection return.
Soul Purpose and Mission - After the Hero’s Journey, to quote Joseph Campbell, with our loving power and groundedness, like a tree with deep roots to support our growth, we are more ready to live our Soul’s mission with commitment to our Path. We live in service to Spirit and to helping, with the Boddhisatva vow.
Sounds logical, right?
Yes, but that would be the first problem for me. Logic is part of the ego, the mind, very useful for some things in life, but the journey from the mind to the heart teaches us that Logic has its limitations. If awakenings happened so systematically I feel it would be easier to comprehend and manoeuvre. The Heart shows us not all is so linear - sometimes the irrational holds the greatest teachings. At least, all I can say is my journey has been a cyclical cascade of awakenings, small and large, short and long, conscious and unconscious.
Currently I find myself in a Dark Night but also The Void and at times I get a glimmer of new Groundedness forming and all the while my Soul Mission is becoming clearer and clearer. All kind of at once and also both cyclical and linear. Or perhaps none of these.
A good friend and soul brother gifted me an audiobook when I first tripped into this current Dark Night - When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön. I listen to it as I go on long early morning walks by the beach. In it are many beautiful teachings from Buddhism, looking at pain, suffering, awakening and surrender. One part which particularly resonated with me was in learning of Boddhicitta.
“The word “bodhicitta” has two syllables, bodhi and citta. Bodhi means awakened or enlightened, and citta means mind.”
- In Praise of Great Compassion, The Dalai Lama with Thubten Chödrön.
I have often struggled to express myself musically when I’ve gone through emotional hardship. Something in me just shuts down, but in this current awakening of my heart and mind, music is proving itself to be my saving grace, my guardian angel, my best friend.
Songs are pouring out of me.
My voice is shifting and expanding, though I can it echoes the suffering and love too.
Mantras appear as gentle whispers and I find myself singing them in my mind’s eye.
Om Mani Padme Hum - Hail the Jewel of the Lotus
Tadyata Om Bekandze - Bekandze Maha Bekandze - Randza Samun Gate Soha
Bhaisajyaguru, the Medicine Buddha, a mantra to help with suffering. It is no coincidence echoes of this are coming to me now.
Just yesterday I went to hear a good friend and excellent jazz musician playing by the beach. The vibrations and rhythms filled my soul and I couldn’t not move. It was infectious. Seeing passerbys smiling and dancing, taking with them a little more joy - will they perhaps hug their partner a little harder when they get home or play with their child with more joy? What ripple will they emanate?
What was my ripple?
I had brought my guitar down with me. It was a warm, mild October day. After parting with my friends, I went down to the beach, found a spot and got my guitar, Martininha out. I lost myself for hours, playing, creating, singing, breathing.
And for the first time since my current Dark Night descended upon me I felt the glimmer of joy and the relieving breath of peace.
When I was at school, I was lucky enough to have many musical opportunities thanks to amazing teaches. One of the shows I did had us singing and playing Music Was my First Love by John Miles. I remember I used to find it incredibly cheesy, but years later as I ponder on which tune I’d like to share to close this article, this is what pops into my mind. And so I surrender to the cheesiness and embrace the Swiss cheese nature of life, Dark Nights and Enlightenment alike.