Creating Safe Spaces
For open discussion and deeper connection
The other day something curious happened on Instagram.
A video appeared in my feed of a man being interviewed about a video he had made on how guys are feeling alone. In the video he explained how guys said that when they opened up to “their women”, their women would get distant or stop talking. The interviewer asked him why this is happening. The interviewee started his response with: “the girls won’t like this, the women will understand”.
Ooh, do tell me what this is. The woman that I am is dying to know. I could feel myself becoming defensive by this subtle criticism and age-old wounds no doubt being triggered.
He continues to explain that when a man opens up, they quickly realise “girls cannot show empathy to their man - or women can’t show empathy - they can’t do it”.
Before I continue, um, which is it? Girls won’t like the video but women will, yet he then lumps girls and women together with this blanket criticism and judgement that all females are incapable of showing their men empathy.
The woman - and girl - that I am are now a little annoyed and rather unimpressed.
He continues by saying that girls -and women - can show empathy to everyone, including characters in movies, everyone except their man.
Ok…
“Now this isn’t a slight against women”.
No. Not all.
“Women need to protect themselves and feel like their man is a strong, safe place for them to invest their lives in”.
“If they see their man as weak, this goes into friend zone”.
“This is why girls pull back”.
He then professes that the people who can show empathy are your boys.
Now, I do see where he is coming from. I know of quite a few men who feel it’s easier to open up to their male friends and really need that male support in their lives. I know of many guys who heal by not even talking about the issue at all, but by connecting with their male friends and having a laugh, diffusing the emotion and moving on. But there are also men who feel a need to share what’s in the hearts, to express their emotions, and feel a need to connect more intimately with their partner.
Thankfully there are also more and more Men’s Circles being held, where men can come together and share from the heart in a safe, held space, where it’s just them. In the same way there are many events for just women. There is something really powerful about being just a brotherhood or sisterhood. No doubt.
This message, however, was not one of encouragement or understanding, trying to bring the two sexes together. And it was clear the audience was predominantly men who may indeed be feeling alone and unseen in their relationships with their women. The danger though is that they stop thinking it’s even possible to share with a woman and close off.
I made what I thought would be a well-accepted comment, essentially saying that it made me sad to learn there are men struggling with this, but that I found it worrying that there are videos out there like this, making blanket statements which ultimately serve to pit men against women and vice versa. I put forth that we might want to be careful with gross generalisations and that there are plenty of girls - and women - out there who want nothing more than for their man to open up and show their vulnerability.
Logical, right?
Reasonable, right?
Apparently not.
At first I started to receive, from one person in particular, backlash which was rather non-sensical to be honest, saying I had no idea what I was talking about and went on to say how hard it is to open up to women. Such raw emotion, and to be triggered by a comment I’d made which was calling for us to come together. To me, it was just more evidence of inner pain and resentment, being projected out into the distant lands of the internet.
Thinking I could reason with this person, I exchanged a few comments, showing my empathy for their difficulty, and reassuring them that there are many empathic women out there.
I then got shushed.
And that was when I pulled out my Scorpio card.
I chose not to attack, though I could have done and my twitching tail was wanting nothing more, but my Libran ascendant was ruling on this day and was seeking to restore balance. I firmly yet calmly told this man that shushing someone was not the way to go and that I would save my energy for myself.
And that was that.
Until more chimed in on the thread.
I don’t use Instagram much and generally struggle with social media, so at best I maybe have one or two messages and a few notifications, in a week - haha - but suddenly I was receiving numerous comments all at once. People were jumping in and this time a different tune was playing.
I had both men and women thanking me for speaking up, saying they agree wholeheartedly, and that it was truly sad to see how much division was being created in this way.
Well, this was a pleasant turn of events.
What touched my heart the most was when one particular man, who’d said he had never had issues with girlfriends not wanting him to open up, concluded our little exchange by thanking me for having created “such a safe space to be able to do this, as normally he shied away from expressing himself on the internet for fear of not being accepted, but he felt he could as I’d created a safe space to do so”.
It may seem like a waste of time to entertain these online conversations, and most of the time I stay well away, but on this particular occasion I took the bait. And I’m glad I did. It didn’t last long and in that short time, I observed and learned quite a bit:
people will lash out if they feel triggered
people will speak openly if they feel safe to do so
it doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a man, sharing is hard for everyone
one of the most beautiful ways of showing someone you love them is by showing them can open up and share
there are a lot of hurt people out there projecting their pain onto others or into the web
kindness goes a long way
love wins
the liberating feeling of unfollowing instagram accounts which don’t resonate is priceless
I’d like to end this mini exploration with a quote I heard a few years ago which I believe - and hope - could change the world:
Good thoughts. I think many people have trouble showing vulnerability, and that means all genders. It’s all in how a person is raised, who they take as a partner, and the people with whom they surround themselves. If people surround themselves with comfort and acceptance, they feel safe sharing their feelings as well as the feelings of other people.
This is a great article, I'm glad you persevered and there was a positive outcome to this. What you have written is very valuable for both men and women, especially as to how they relate to each other. I think that when people are hurting, for whatever reason, they often react as if they are being attacked even if someone is being kind to them. It seems to take a while to get through defences sometimes, when all that you are trying to do is show that you care. ( I think this is true of all relationships and human interactions, not just partnerships.